The Question That I Need To Ask
by IgnoranceIsNotBliss
Summary: This is basically just a short one-shot. Bella asks Edward what it was like for HIM when he left. Fluff. EXB


**Okay, gave up on that other story I wrote. No-one seemed to be reading it, anyway :P This is basically an idea that I had WHILE dreaming :D Psyched about that!**

**If you don't like fluff, don't read :P**

**B-POV (Maybe E-POV too)**

It was a Saturday after noon. One of the lazy Saturday afternoons that you really can't be bothered to do anything. The rarely showing sun crept through the half closed curtains of the living room, while I lounged on Edward's chest. We were tangled up in the old afghan from the back of the couch because, like always, Edward worried aloud that I was cold. I didn't mind if I got cold, at least I was with Edward, and I was happy. I snuggled closer to his chest and sighed in contentment. This was the kind of afternoon I liked. Charlie was working late, and me and Edward could have one of those alone times that we never seem to get anymore.

My thoughts took an unexpected turn and I found myself thinking about last September, when he...left. I shuddered. Why was I thinking about that now? Of all things! I. Was. Happy. Nothing was going to change that now. Edward wouldn't leave again. Another thought struck me, quite hard. I wandered what it was like for Edward, when he left. He had told me that it was the hardest thing he had done, but that was about it. He never really seemed to want to talk much about it.

Now that I had started to think about it, I couldn't stop. _Just let it go, just let it go. _I couldn't let it go. As if on cue, though, Edward broke through the peaceful silence.

"What are you thinking, love?"

Could I really ask him? "Nothing, really."

I was a terrible lier, I knew that. I snuggled into Edwards arms and waited for him to pick out what I hadn't told him.

"Really? You are thinking about nothing? Then why are your hands shaking, and your eyes avoiding mine?"

Damn. "I was just thinking...well, wandering, really. What...What was it like? When you...left?" I barely managed to get the words out and the end of my sentence was somewhat strangled.

Edward growled, and I felt his body tense. His arms locked instinctively around me.

"I don't know if I can answer that." His voice had lost all humor of before, and had taken on a lower tone.

"Please, Edward! I need to know. Why can't you tell me. Is it because it wasn't actually as bad as you said it was? Were you actually _relieved_ when you left? Were you lying when you said it was the hardest thing you had ever done?" I was getting paranoid. I knew that, but the more he refused to answer, and the longer that I had to wait, the more thoughts went through my head.

"No, love. It truly was the hardest thing I could ever have done. How could you think otherwise? I...I just find it hard to talk about it because it was so difficult. I have never known so much pain in my existence. I don't really know where to begin." He took a deep breath to steady himself, and I waited patiently. I felt a little guilty for thinking that he would lie like that.

"I suppose I should start with the beginning of it all. When I was telling you...goodbye." The last word caught in his throat. "I was so determined to make things better for you, that I didn't consider the consequence of what might happen. I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing that I didn't really stop to think. I knew it would be difficult, and I had said from the start that if it turned out to be the wrong thing for you, I would have to leave. I thought I was prepared, but nothing on this earth could have prepared me for that."

I knew it wasn't over, and I waited some more. He didn't seem able to continue.

"Bella, what you have to realize, is that I can't do that again. My entire self shies away from that kind of pain. I just can't live in a world where you aren't with me. I just can't." Edward stopped talking again, and I heard a different sort of noise coming from deep inside his chest. A sort of keen. He wasn't growling, he was crying.

I twisted around in the heavy afghan so read his face. It was twisted in what I could only describe as pure agony. My heart sank when I realized that I had done that.

"Edward I - " I began to apologize, but Edward put a finger to my lips.

"Don't. Don't be sorry. I just can't speak about that anymore. But can I ask you one thing?"

"Sure. I'm sorry I asked, though. Really."

"Please Bella, don't. Don't. Be. Sorry." He said that with the full force of his eyes, and I could do nothing but shut-up. "I just need you to know, I will never, ever, ever leave again. But, if you do change your mind, I will understand."

"Sorry, but I think you are stuck with me for good." I said, locking my arms around his neck.

"Really. Oh well, I suppose I should just get used to it then." He poked the end of my nose, and leaned in to kiss me.

So, how was that? Too out of character? Too different? I want to know :) You see that little green button down there? Yes? Push it, and tell me what happens. :P


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